Business owners who struggle or fail financially feel humiliated. Robbed of their identity and self-worth. This was certainly the case with Tim Farley. He filed personal bankruptcy after his business failed. After months of trying to turn it around, and a brief hospital stay, he heeded the advice of his trusted accountant. Closed the business and liquidated the assets for half what was owed. Bankruptcy filing followed, then the loss of his home. Then the loss of his financial freedom, friends and self-esteem. He felt like a complete failure and could hardly even face his own children.
According to Dr. Jay-Kent Ferraro, this is quite common. “A great many business owners derive their identity solely from their business or financial success,” he said. “The only place they feel alive is in their business. Most are Type-A personalities. Success-oriented. So long as they’re successful, their sense of self-esteem remains intact, but it’s a shallow and tenuous existence.”
Just a Matter of Time
“The thing is, businesses and careers are filled with peaks and valleys,” says Claire Cornell, assistant director of the Family Owned Business Institute at the University of Tulsa. “No one achieves success perennially. Business is about persevering through the peaks and valleys. It’s about resilience.” Ferraro, a counselor, life coach and organizational consultant, says business owners who have a more healthy and diversified set of self-esteem anchors will be more resilient. Better able to endure the ups and downs. Less likely to turn to self-destructive behaviors when things aren’t going their way. Ferraro urges business owners to find activities that provide them with meaning and enjoyment, such as hobbies, community service or more involvement in their loved ones’ lives.
What About You?
Unfortunately, most business owners don’t know how unbalanced their lives are until it smacks them in the face. So Ferraro encourages owners to look at their lives objectively. Take, for example, the business owner who describes himself as a devout family man but spends only two hours a week with his wife and children. Or the business owner who travels 150,000 miles a year on business but never takes a family vacation. “Imbalances such as these show a huge disconnect between what a person thinks and actually does,” says Ferraro. “You may think you’re a family man, but your actions show otherwise.”
Epidemic
“This problem – the tendency for business owners to over-rely on their financial success for their happiness, identity and sense of self-worth – is more prevalent than people think,” says Ferraro. “Today, a lot of business owners are being exposed. They’re finding out the hard way. Personally struggling mightily because they’re not proud of how their business’ financial statements look. Even so, few are talking about it because they’re either brain dead and don’t know what’s going on or they think that talking about it, or acknowledging it, is a type of weakness – a vulnerability they cannot allow. To these people, to admit vulnerability is almost a sign of failure, so there’s a tendency to avoid that type of discussion.”
This Too Shall Pass
Cornell says failure presents an opportunity for growth. Tim Farley agrees. It’s been eight years since Farley lost his home, business, identity and sense of self-worth, but he’s recovered. Now he says, “We’re on our feet financially. I have a good job and little stress. I know who I am and think my self-worth is robust and is spread across a much wider base. I’m not sure if I’d even change a thing. I now know that I was in an unhealthy place long before the financial problems. My self-worth rested squarely on one narrow leg – business success. It’s like the hand of God gave me exactly what I needed – a major life shake-up. Incidentally, I think I’m wiser as a business person now. Much more realistic. Much more respectful of what it really takes to start, capitalize and grow and succeed in business. I may even venture out again into the world of business ownership. If so, I think I’d have a greater chance of success and also a greater ability to handle struggle or failure.”
This article originally appeared in The Business Owner Journal, the periodical of choice for owners of small and midsize private businesses. All rights reserved, D.L. Perkins LLC. © 2012.
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